I guess yesterday's post was not as humorous as I thought. Both my wife and brother told me it was depressing. Seriously though, if you know me I am an upbeat kind of guy that can find humor in everything, so please try to find it with me.
Where was I? Oh yeah. My right testicle felt like it was about to explode like some Orville Redenbacher and that is what it took for me to go see a doc. Yeah, I know stupid. But that is what men do. We wait in times like these completely ignorant of what we "should" do. "So what we are almost in Delaware, Vegas is around here someplace and I am NOT going to pull over for directions." Pride. Gotta love it.
So I go in to see the Doc and he knows what I'm there for. Thus creating a total awkward moment where he walks in with a weird look and says, "How you doing?" What he wanted to say was, " I have no want or need to touch your balls, could you find someone else...." We get past the pleasantries and there I am, head to the side, coughing, praying he doesn't sneeze or make any sudden movements. After the longest minute or so of my life he stands up relieved and says, "Nope, don't feel anything out of the ordinary. I'd like you to go get an ultrasound."
Half an hour later, there I am surrounded by pregnant women, all looking at me like "Where is your baby?" Ha-ha. When they found out I was their for my own two bundles of joy, that look was priceless. The Ultrasound tech came to get me and did not even try to make any pleasantries. It was all business and she was upset. I thought the male doctor would be awkward but this lady was seriously not looking forward to this. To this day I feel kind of bad about it but she is getting payed right?
I felt like George in that episode of Seinfeld. The one with the cold water and lobster bisque. Know what I am talking about? Needless to say, it was a horrible experience. Not like when you are sitting there eagerly to find out the sex of a baby wondering what they are going to find. This was sitting there wondering if they would find anything and if anything would change your own sex in a sense. Weird huh? She told me she noticed something but couldn't tell me, a doctor would have to. Payback by means of suspense maybe?
Back over to the Doc a few days later and he says I have epididymitis and orchitis of my right testicle. Laymans terms, everything on my right side is swollen. He also said he didn't know what was causing it and would like for me to see a specialist... Yep, after a week and a half of waiting nervously, nothing but your swollen. Well I could have told you that. One side weighs as much as a golf ball the other a large avocado. Duh! My doctor drove home that evening in his Ferrari happy that he could inform me of what he had found. I drove home in my Jetta, but awkwardly hovering trying not to pinch my right one in my uncomfortable seat. More to come.
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